Yoga & Therapy

One of the things I wanted to try doing as a step towards better self-care was to see a therapist. I went this past week and it was the third time I had ever been to one, the first being my freshman year of college, my second at the beginning of my junior year of college, and then this past Wednesday. I have only been once to each session because I have never walked out of a session feeling "better," usually my feelings are more aligned with words like "exposed" and most recently, "lectured."


I have to be admit that part of the problem each time has been that I always answer the question "why are you here" with the stock response, "someone referred me," thus deflecting responsibility for being there and exhibiting a lack of desire to actually be there, even though that's not true. I felt like this especially set the tone at my most recent session, when I still refused to be honest about my desire to be there and only mentioned the recommendation that I attend from a family member.


The first time I went to therapy I sat clammed up, the second time I cried, and this time I promised myself not to do either of those things, but nonetheless found myself rendered incapable to speak freely, by what mental block I don't know - that's why I was there! - and found the hour veering into directions and topics I didn't find to be issues or worthy of talking about for that long. And it was less talking, and more lecturing about what I should and shouldn't be doing. I left feeling as though I were a weak, uncommunicative enabler. Which may be true, but those aspects would be things I would have liked to work on in therapy, not reasons to be dismissed/accept dismissal. For example, I appreciate being told that it is part of the healthy grieving process to still be angry and sad that my mother passed away, but five years after the fact, I'd like a little guidance in letting off the intensity of those emotions. But according to this therapist, I'm normal. I don't think I'll be accepting normalcy then. I'd like a little more relief than the previous five years have afforded my mentality... or I've afforded myself, I'm not sure which.


Either way, despite my love of reading psychology books, I think my taste for visiting psychologists has soured. I have a few ideas of where my money can be better spent.


Tonight I went to my first yoga class in Austin at Dharma Yoga. I always leave yoga feeling like an untwisted knot, so I don't know why I find it so difficult to commit to regular practice. I've practiced on and off since I was an undergraduate at Fayetteville - perhaps some sort of commitment would be a step in the right direction towards my overall health, since commitment would have been one of the "issues" I would have liked to work on with myself.


In addition to that, I'm interested in seeing a homeopathic doctor who combines life coaching with holistic therapy treatments. Stress and anxiety relief would be my priority. Perhaps I'll go and discover that homeopathy should go the way of therapists, but then I'll just get myself a massage. Which I may do first, anyway. My biggest problem there would simply be choosing one.

Not-So-Sloppy Joe + Townes Van Zandt

I have this bad habit of waiting to cook dinner until 10:30 at night, and then I don't want to do anything that won't satiate my hunger a millisecond longer than instantaneously. I'm also really bad about stock-piling "back-up" food that typically never gets used since I don't want to deplete my supply, (it makes no sense, I know). Tonight, after a long (and wonderful) day spent at Central United Presbyterian Church, eating free sandwiches at Subway (yay coupons!), watching an Austin Rugby bout and learning all about scrum helmets and their appearance in the movie Garden State, reading on the couch, and then reading Bitch in the Book People cafe, it is needless to say that I did not feel like chopping up vegetables for the recipe originally on the evening's agenda.

Normally, when I make sloppy joes I use a can of Manwich and a bag of frozen faux "hamburger" meat, which can get pricey. Tonight I dipped into my "back-up" supply of boxed foods and tried a sloppy-joe-in-a-box-concoction that couldn't have cost more than $4 when I bought it a year ago. All of the protein comes in the mix, and the only real extra ingredient needed was a 25 cent can of tomato paste. Mixing + microwaving took all of 10 minutes. And being the avocado affectionado that I am, no sloppy joe is complete without a few slices on top, with some cantaloupe (musk melon?) on the side. Dear Fantastic World Foods, I will no longer disregard your presence on my shelf of non-perishable items, and it is regretable that I did so for an entire year. Even the meat lovers in the apartment were happy and full.

YUM!

Dessert for me is an iron supplement. Capping off my round of antibiotics-on-steroids, (if Anthrax had been a threat before it wouldn't be now), I've developed itchy hands and feet, with no visible marks or rash. Several web sites... (yes, I know, internet diagnoses are bad news), said this could be attributable to a weakened immune system, which could also be connected to anemia, a condition I've been advised to prevent before it becomes a problem. (I'll still take anemia over animal fats saturating my bones and muscles. Gross). I'm hoping the extra iron will give me the energy boost I need to get up early and run, eat breakfast, and not sleep till noon in general. Perhaps not blogging at midnight would be helpful with that, too. But that's not something I'm willing to compromise.

And just in case the lonely internet explorer browser was curious as to what I'm hearing in the background, wonder no further, (It's my favorite of the Townes songs that have been on repeat in my apartment the past week):