Prior to last week I had never heard the term "zero-sum" before, and now I've heard it three times. The universe wants me to make a post about zero sum.
I've been reading The Happiness Project, and the author talks about zero-sum in terms of feeling happy for other people's successes. I realize that I've had this attitude, and it's pretty sick: the idea that because someone else succeeds, I can't, as there's only so much success to go around. I feel like this hinders me from continuing projects, (sometimes), and keeps me from feeling joy about other people's good luck/fortune/work/etc, (sometimes). (I also realized - a while ago - that I don't believe in absolutes - mostly).
Speaking of other people's success, Lennon, Eirik, and our friend Ruckus are going on a slam poetry tour this summer. I'm 70% jealous and 30% certain that I hate Greyhound buses and sitting next to strangers with any potential for drooling.
This is the two of them doing a jig to impress people on South Congress. It actually worked.
I tried to help but got bored holding the sign after five... oh something shiny.
So clearly my back-up plan for work should be risque modeling, as in this photo. Nice khaki's and polo, oddly reminiscent of my Bennigan's uniform... oh wait, it was. And I'm wearing it again by choice. Somedays I just don't try... and hope there's no camera around.
I do write poetry, and since it's national poetry month, what better time to advertise my poetry blog? It can be found here. I forget to update it, as I haven't been taking the time to write poetry like I should. This is one of the reasons I can't go on tour. That, and stage fright. And my day job. I'm too practical for my own good, (sometimes).
So I'm going to start putting zero-sum to rest: my success in anything is not dependent on the failure of others. Life doesn't have a first place prize, and Greyhound just doesn't have enough leg room to merit traveling the country... or so I'll tell myself.
And here's one more life lesson for the proverbial road: if your ex-boyfriend who you still live with for seven more days is making you mad, go find a slug on the recycling bin, put it on his keyboard when he gets up from World of Warcraft to go to the bathroom, then watch him scream like a child and suddenly become nice as he asks you to get rid of it. Works like a charm.
"The lovely and amazing performance poet Gabrielle Bouliane performs for the audience at the Austin Poetry Slam.
This would be her last public performance.
Gabrielle was diagnosed with Stage Four Cancer shortly before this video was filmed. Our dear sister fought hard, but she ended her fight January 29, 2010. She was surrounded by family and friends, and her passing was in a very quiet, peaceful room full of love and affection. She was so brave.
Please share this video with everyone you know. I am sure it would tickle her to no end to have this video get as viral as a video can be. Tell the world.
My roommate Eirik is a big part of the Austin slam poetry scene, and he and a few of his friends wrote this very funny skit for Frontera Fest at the Hyde Park Community Theatre called "Haiku Death Match." Frontera Fest is going on through February 13th, so hop on over to see some incredibly talented Austinites! Every Saturday is Best of the Week, leading up to Best of Fest, February 10-14th.
He needed a girl to play a "Vanna White-esque" character who would present each poet when the audience clapped to determine the winner of each haiku face off. The first performance was on Friday night, and it did so well that the skit made Best of the Week! This meant we got to be on stage again Saturday night, so I put a little more effort into my "Vanna Black" (I actually don't own a black dress) outfit than I did the night before. I wore my special skull and crossbones of death necklace since the losers of the skit had to off themselves via invisible samurai sword.
Dress: Susana Monaco Heels: Carlos Jolly Roger necklace: Accessory City Lame Ponytail: Someone please teach me to do hair!
Round back of the Hyde Park Theatre on Friday night, pouring rain leaking on all of us - Tony Jackson, Lennon, and me - crouching forward because there is a gas heater right next to Tony!
In other weekend news - we are officially a green couple! Or at least Lennon is green - he sold his car and bought a bike. Having three bikes in the apartment merited a creative solution to lack of floor space - Lennon bought these ceiling hooks from Home Depot for less than a dollar each and screwed them into studs. No more bikes on the floor.
My mountain bike has the word "bontrager" on part of the frame, and I always read it as "bone crusher," so we've decided that's my bike's official name. Lennon is still taking suggestions on names for his shiny new racing bike. He coasts when I have to peddle. Lazy.
Tieka, from the incredibly beautiful blog Selective Potential, had the brilliant idea to start a feature called "The Man Behind The Camera." Being a night owl, I caught her post calling for submissions quite quickly, and sent in all the props I have for my lovely photographer, Lennon, who I usually turn the camera on after our photo shoots to even things out. He made it into her first round of featured photographers, (she's going to make it a regular feature, so heads up if you have a special someone taking pictures for you). Lennon is a tall bugger, even in high heels I barely come up to his chin - one more reason I find him adorable. Although, his light catching ears are still my favorite feature :)
Exciting Thing # 2
Again, Amy at Ha ha. Wait. What? is far too kind, and shares all of the awards she racks up (and deserves) with me. I can't tell you how much they make me smile - I may need to provide photographic evidence!
This award didn't come with any rules, but I want to pass them both along to a sampling of the blogs that post frequently and always catch my eye when they do:
Is that too many? One more! The wild card choice - my friend, Ben - who won some type of genius-grant-type-thing to go study martial arts in Thailand. He blogged while there and it was GREAT, but then got injured, which is not great. I think he needs to keep writing, even state side. As motivation for one of my favorite poets and neatest (yes, neatest) people I know, these awards also go to you, Ben:
I stayed up till 3AM the other night reading HTML and blog tutorials and completely revamped my page. It is now three columns, has a nifty navigation bar, (not all of the buttons lead anywhere... yet), my favorite insect flanking all of the titles, no "blogspot" banner on top, has a pretty background, (I love orange), a centered banner, (what a headache to figure out!), and the middle column is wide enough for my pictures, (another huge headache). But I'm done, and I'm so proud, because I am so not techy!
Also, just a reminder to some readers, if you haven't updated your links or feed readers yet, I am no longer a .blogspot address, but got a domain, so the new(ish) URL is:
www.dishevelledstars.com
Exciting Thing #4
I finally joined the Flying Saucher's UFO club! My friend JB joined the "ring of honor" not long ago, and being a frequent customer at the Saucer, it seemed high time to give myself a goal in going. I really like craft beers, and I got Lennon a book on home brewing for Christmas, so we've cleaned out our under-stairs closet to get it ready to try our first batch. One of our favorite places in Little Rock was Vino's Brew Pub, and we talk about the possibility of having our own brewery/pub/venue, some day in the distant future.
Tonight was trivia night at the Saucer, and I casualed-it-up by reverting back to my blue jean habits. Team Lumberjzack totally lost - but with some polish we'll fare better next time! The Razorback basketball team also lost to UT while I was there, so double boo.
Jeans: Sevens from Buffalo Exchange
Shirt: Target
Cardigan: Target
Shoes: Sperry's Top Siders
I want to start documenting (for my own recollection) the beers that I try each time I go, so thus far, I've had:
1) Shiner Bock (draught) - one of my favorites, and a Texas original.
The new season of the Austin Poetry Slam kicks off tomorrow night! It'll be every Wednesday at 8pm, and for the kick-off, my roommate Eirik, otherwise known as Big Poppa E, will be hosting. It's only $5 at the Independent. I'll be there after my guitar class ends, and if you're lucky, you can see both Eirik and our other room mate - Lennon - in all of their glorious (??) antics. See evidence below:
My room mate, Eirik, known to the larger world as Big Poppa E, performs a duet with me on one of our new favorite songs. We are accompanied by a kitty meowing, the microwave, and my guitar. I hope it makes you laugh a little - happy holidays!
PS - Check out my kiddos tonight - three of them are members of the Cipher and are going to be featured tonight at the Austin Poetry Slam at the Independent. Eirik will be hosting, so cheer for him, T-Fly, Courtney, and Pete extra loud since I'll be home in Copperas Cove by then.
Wednesday is poetry day around here, and tonight was the quarter-final round of competition to begin determining the Austin team for representation at the National Poetry Slam. Christopher Lee is one of my favorites. He didn't win tonight, but he typically places top three. Eirik broke out the Harry Potter Love Song, and my coworker Elizabeth finally made it out to a show with her girlfriend, Andrea.
I'm embarassed to say that I haven't performed at a slam since leaving Little Rock. It's yet to be determined if my fascination with spoken word poetry is based on appreciation of the art and should be left at that, or if it's a drive and I need to spend time writing, editing, and conquering my stage fright.
After the show, it was imperative to eat, as my lunch consisted of a granola bar at 2 o'clock this afternoon. I've gotten addicted to Magnolia's Mag Mud Dip. And while I know I could easily make it at home for less than the six and change that a bowl costs, it's still so much better when ordered in a warm restaurant late at night. Mag Mud is simply a concotion of black beans, cheese dip, and avocado, with a bowl of salsa on the side. I will bite off finger tips to get the avocado.
Andrea and Elizabeth had never been to Magnolia's before. It was a good choice of locale because Elizabeth has recently started a blog dedicated to her favorite food: breakfast tacos, and Magnolias has several options for a breakfast taco enthusiast.
Andrea and I both got the tuna melt. Cottage cheese is a side option, and I like to splurge the extra fifty cents to order blueberries on the side. Lennon and Elizabeth seemed to think that this was an absurd combination, but I've been eating frozen berries over cottage cheese since my dorm room days. I don't know why I still eat fish, but just like some people say with other meat - I'm not sure how I'd get by without it. My taste buds aren't quite resigned to only being able to order salads at certain restaurants. Not to mention that survival without HEB sushi seems implausible, and at the very least, unpleasant.
If you want to check out Elizabeth's new taco blog, (and I recommend you do, her demerit system for rating taco sellers is quite discerning, as is her palette), then visit Tacos Are For Breakfast. To Magnolia's credit, she cleaned her plate, as did the rest of us.
Since the weekend is almost here, I want to share my selections of the best offerings in Austin that are upcoming this week, (and then imagine how wonderful it would be to do all of them if I had the money for it):
First and foremost, of course, is Ladies Rock Camp, which is where I'll be all weekend, and today I got the AMAZING news that I don't even have to pay my tuition fee out of pocket, or take a vacation day Friday - it counts as a work trip/training expense. I have the. best. job. EVER.
Thursday: Howie Day + Colbie Caillat at Stubbs. There are two songs by Howie Day that I love enough to merit seeing him.
Friday: Black Heart Procession will be playing at Mohawk, a favorite from high school, back when Clunk Music Hall was THE place to be in Fayetteville, Arkansas. RIP, Clunk. Also, if I were in to the gory movie thing, I'd be all about the musical version of Evil Dead that's going on at the Salvage Vanguard, complete with ponchos and "splash" zone for the blood baths that will ensue. I'll stick to Sea World, personally.
Saturday: Oktoberfest + Built to Spill. Damn! I'm almost sad I'm going to miss these, but my day will be quite satisfying with guitars and awesome ladies during the afternoon, and then a Dia De Los Muertos/house warming party at night. Oktoberfest will be at Waterloo Park and Built to Spill at Stubbs.
Sunday: Ladies Rock Camp showcast at Nomad at 7PM with Melissa Bryan and Pony Mistress. Seriously, why would you NOT be there?! It's my rock star debut.
Monday: Halloween Music Concert at Austin Theological Seminary. The entire orchestra will be in costume and the blurb on the Chronicle says "why won't you?" Well geeze, I guess I need to go and wear one.
Tuesday: Emos + Straylight Run. I haven't kept up with their new stuff, but they're old stuff was good enough that I'm still in love with it. Also: Interfaith Communications through Austin Area Interreligous Ministries. The topic will be the difficulties of compassion and it's at the First United Methodist Church.
Wednesday: I don't even need to look at a calendar, because it's rumpus day, and there WILL be pictures.
Wednesday is always the night of the Austin Poetry Slam, so it's automatically annual poetry night in an apartment full of poets. Lennon and I keep arriving too late to actually sign up to slam (not that I'd have the guts to), but Eirik is always punctual, and usually places top three, which is good because it means he can buy milk for the house. He's currently in an on-going competition with Danny Strack, racing to 100 poems without repeating a single piece. After the slam we celebrated today being pay day by eating at Magnolias Cafe. I'm still so full that the thought of food might make me sick. But in a good way.
Since there were a bunch of Canadians present at the slam this evening, Eirik did his "front page you tube" poem, "Why I Got Fired From Apple Computer." But he'd had a whisky and coke and transposed things done on a TV versus a playstation. I laughed.
Danny did "Koala Gnomes" and I always like his pieces because he's a "wait for it, wait for it..." poet. If you see him perform or watch his videos, the meaning becomes very clear.
On October 30th a handful of AMAZING poets are coming to the Austin Slam, and anyone with their wits about them should be at this show. I have to host a tailgate party with my after school program before a football game, but you'd better believe that my tail will be out of there and at the Independent by 8:30, (because I operate on poet central mountain time).
Driving home down South Congress - I can't WAIT to get a camera that can take pictures at night so I can snap a shot of the capital standing outside of Guero's with the fairy lights tree in the frame. For now, an iphone through the front windshield at a red light will have to suffice as a vantage point for shooting the Austin capital building. I love living here.
After last night's shenanigans, or "symposium," using our new term from the Blanton museum's Grecian urn collection, I had to take a nap immediately after work, which usually leaves me in a groggy haze without the motivation to do anything afterwards. But today, resolve in tow, I got up and proceeded to cook dinner and drink an espresso mocha till I woke up. And it's a good thing I did, because my house guests/room mate came home while I was in the kitchen, but only to say goodbye because they are driving home to Florida tonight and that makes me sad :(
For dinner I made a "Thai" peanut sauce and mixed it with rice noodles. I found the recipe several years ago and it's been a favorite ever since. It's really simple, and looks like this:
Thai peanut sauce + noodles
1 box rice noodles
1 cup creamy peanut butter
4 tsp brown sugar
1/4 c rice vinegar
2 tsp chili powder or paste
4 tbs chopped chives
4 cloves minced garlic
1/4 cup soy sauce (or to taste)
1 cup coconut milk
Vegetables - I like the pre-mixed cans of Asian vegetables and broccoli
Cubed tofu (if you want it)
1) in a large sauce pan, whisk together all but the coconut milk over medium heat
2) adjust seasonings to taste
3) stir in coconut milk
4) stir in vegetables (steam the broccoli first if you use it)
5) mix over rice noodles in a large bowl - and it's finished.
Easy! My dinner companion disapproved of the tofu, but as the evening's cook and resident vegetarian... I win.
While finishing up, my poetry boys came home to pack up their things and say goodbye. They brought such good energy into the house and I'm going to miss them. It's one of my life's goals to be the type of person that brings good energy into a room, and not because of a desire to have more people like me, but simply because people who can do that bring joy with them, and that's an unmatchable gift. I can be quite the storm cloud sometimes, and I hope that as I work to bring more peace and a sense of settlement into my life, that the chaos I often feel around and in myself will dissipate.
Quite possible the funniest, and perhaps scariest, picture I've ever seen. This is Lennon, Matt, Eirik, and Adam, or, respectively: Lennon, Cuban, Big Poppa E, and Henzbo.
My turn with the boys. At least I get to keep the one in the middle.
Haiku throw down at Kick Butt Coffee's open mic yesterday night.
I love to write, and I don't know why I'm so absurdly afraid to share anything that I have to say. It's odd not being counted as one of the writers when I write reams of words that simply never make it outside of sealed notebooks. Even maintaining this blog is difficult for me and takes a twist of the arm, since there's a part of myself that always says, "no one wants to read what you have to say, you don't have anything to say anyway." So I try to focus on the counter-voice in my head that reminds me, much more gently, that I'm doing this for myself, because I enjoy chronicalling the day, and because it's good practice at putting something I create into a potentially public sphere. This is an exercise in overcoming my inner defeatist. With each post, I'm the champion of the bout. Another victory - helps to make quite a good night.
Today is my after-school program coordinator cohorts 25th birthday. She is a fish eating "vegetarian" like myself, which I'm finding is not so difficult to locate in Austin, TX. This has spared me many an odd stare since moving here when I try to explain my eating habits.
I love to bake, but I had let my hobby slide in recent years in favor of sleeping in and going out, a habit I'm trying to shake both for the sake of my well being and my wallet. So, I decided I was going to see what the vegan cupcake hype is all about and try my hand at it.
I found a recipe online and modified it just slightly, so this is the one I followed:
Cupcake
1 cup sweetened vanilla almond milk 1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar 3/4 cup sugar 1/3 cup unsweetened apple sauce 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1/2 teaspoon almond extract 1 cup all-purpose flour 1/3 cup cocoa powder 3/4 teaspoon baking soda 1/2 teaspoon baking powder 1/4 teaspoon salt
Icing
powdered sugar coco powder all purpose flour orange juice butter (this is where the almost vegan part kicks in)
Directions:
1) Preheat oven to 350°F and line a muffin pan with paper or foil liners.
2) Whisk together the almond milk and vinegar in a large bowl, and set aside for a few minutes to curdle.
3) Add the sugar, applesauce, vanilla extract, and almond extract, to the almond milk mixture and whisk until foamy.
4) In a separate bowl, sift together the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Add to wet ingredients and whisk until no large lumps remain.
5) Pour into liners, filling 3/4 of the way. Bake 18 to 20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Transfer to a cooling rack and let cool completely.
Ready to go in the oven!
6) While baking, make the icing! I didn't measure any of the ingredients, I just poured them in little by little until I got the taste and consistency I wanted. I only added butter after I wanted the icing to be a little thicker and creamier. Next time I may try putting the ingredients in a blender with some soft tofu and seeing if that works, so that I'm 100% vegan.
Yes, it was 2AM when I made these, and I am drinking red wine, and wearing a "so-hip-it-hurts" Anthropologie apron with owls on it. Sometimes I disgust myself... but then again I love what I love :)
The final verdict on the cupcakes was unanimously positive, since I let all FOUR of the boys who are currently sleeping in the apartment try one. Our apartment has become the poets den with my nerd boy, Eirik, Matt, and Adam all living here till at least Monday. Luckily I have Bella to keep the estrogen levels in check.
She's in trouble because she just ate a plate of cake off the counter that had been salvaged from an after school program's party. She knows she can get away with whatever she wants.
Tomorrow night is the qualifiers slam for the Arkansas national slam team, and I'm heading to Fayetteville to watch, meet people, and hopefully get to read during the open-mic. I'm taking one of my last remaining sick days, and hope I can hold out the last 2.5 weeks of school till summer comes. The thing I am most excited about for summer: being able to read a book in its entirety! Currently diving into American Jesus, and if my tenth grade history teacher at Mt. St. Mary's didn't convince me to fall in love with Thomas Jefferson already, this might push me over the edge. And it seems my concern that "denouncing" my faith in the miracles of Christianity has not actually caused my interest in religious studies to waver, which I consider a relief.
Tonight was our final Creative Writing Club meeting of the year, so Lennon brought in pizza for the kids, and my now graduated student, Whitney, made special cupcakes iced with her signature symbol. I told her she absolutley could not bring cupcakes iced like this to school, so she cleverly brought the icing with her and frosted the cupcakes in my room while I was in the computer lab with my 7th period. Blue icing, of course. Luckily, all evidence of her indiscretions have been consumed.
Whitney's signature cupcakes.
After our meeting, Whitney let me know that she had gone to receive a tattoo she had been wanting, but I wasn't sure she would actually go through with it. This is a picture she posted of her new body art:
Whitney's new ink
I'd have to say that I disagree with her sentiments. I could quote Gandhi and say, "Where there is love, there is life," but I prefer to let The Format do my talking for me in this scenario. So Whitney, here is my rebuttal.
Rather than worry that my poem is fully memorized and performable for tomorrow evening, I have instead put together my imaginary perfect poetry reading outfit. Yes, I want to channel the romantics, apparently. Too bad my own closet is rather lacking in things I actually like anytime I'm flustered by something. Thus, I hate everything I own, (and solidify my girliness).
Third Eye Blind has come onto Pandora Radio. Flashback to eighth-twelfth grade and a wardrobe of character t-shirts and black. I don't envy my students; high school was hard.
We were broken, didn't know it I can go nowhere I burn candles and stare at a ghost Deep inside of you.
One day left to memorize my poem before Friday. The organizers told us there would be 400 people in attendance. I may exhibit a public projectile vomiting in place of a poem. For the sake of the first row, I hope not. Fear of a jinx aside, it seems that once I memorized the initial draft of the poem, remembering the changes and edits I've made has been relatively easy. Adding logical transitions between each stanza also made it easier from the original draft. Luckily I have people in my life willing to listen to me recite the stupid thing over and over and over and over and... etc. till I get it right.
Oddly, the most difficult part has/will be trying to accept that it's ok to take up space with my body and make large gestures with the intention of holding people's attention. My usual tendency is to try a successful disappearing act into the nearest wall. Thus, the question I get seems to be: "so, why slam?" I don't know. When I see other people slam and do it well, I get anxious and annoyed that I have to stay seated, and I want to pretend I don't have horrible stage fright and participate. And, hopefully, be as good as they are. Patience and practice.
This is the new place. It's a carriage house and we have the whole thing to ourselves, so that means I can play Pandora Radio as loud as I want! We've spent the past week unloading boxes in between all of the poetry slams that went on - the Hendrix Kitty Week slam, the slam team prep meetings, and the slam against Pine Bluff High School on Friday. The poem I wrote, loosely titled "Definitive Endings" won a slot in the Mosaic Templars spoken word contest being held on Friday, so if I could only memorize it, I would be excited. With the Arkansas Literary Festival starting on Thursday, it's going to be another busy week, but that keeps me from getting bored. That, getting my credit card stolen and finding out $600 was charged to it, and drag shows at Disco at 2:30AM. Guess which of those two I prefer.
This is the outside of my last apartment. Quite possibly the most beautiful apartment complex in Little Rock. It was originally a Methodist Church in the 1800's, then the Greek Orthodox Church, and then in 1984 it was converted to the Cathedral Park apartments. It shall be missed.
The poets from both the CHS slam team and the PBHS team. All stellar. Although PBHS is holding the trophy, so that's going to have to change next time...
Labels poem, from round 1. I NEED to learn how to stand up straight and not hunch over sloppily. And not sway side to side nervously. And do some crunches. And memorize. If I wasn't editing my poems up until the slam started, I might have actually attempted. Lennon hosted this slam, Michael sacrificed in round 2, and we had 10 poets competing from Hendrix Colege, Cabot High School, and one new face. I need to work on my marketing skills, (and my performance anxiety), and things will be amazing.
I spent round 2 fighting to be heard over a cappucino machine. So it goes.
I also resolve to not compete with the same poems twice. ESPECIALLY not consecutively. I have two new pieces - and they may not be too terribly awesome, but I have worked hard on them. And I can't tell my students that hard work is a good system of measurement without applying it to myself. But with poetry, it's literally hard work, blood (paper cuts), and tears (self explanatory). Oh, and an absence of stage fright... work in progress. I also resolve to ignore the numbers or else I'll revert to childhood and reject future poetic endeavors because I didn't do "good enough." That in itself is no good, obviously.
Michael and I decided not to go to Cool Shoes tonight, (first time I've ever missed), in light of rest, refraining from spending money, and - for me, at least - time to work on poems. I love writing when I feel as though I can't NOT write. But if I could be in Atlanta right now with Joanie & Julia, I would - so come on Air Tran, fly to Little Rock! Digression.
In light of my fears of being sub-par and worthy of ridicule (although I know, by default as a human, I am), I shall repeat this to myself all day tomorrow:
"the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best."
This is the efforts of today's vacation. Although, nothing is ever finished till you're dead. I read another new(ish) poem at The Poet's Loft tonight. Even though it was only an open mic, there were - at the most - fifteen people in the room, and I was standing behind a podium, my knees still shook. Weening myself off propanolol may take longer than I had hoped. Luckily, I have plenty for Saturday's slam, so no shake-n-bake here. Memorization is another story.
I have decided I don’t like things with definitive beginnings and endings. Final destinations and points of embarkment Should be as difficult to distinguish As finding the edge of a globe. Clocks should become antiquated and rust While calendar pages should track only dust. And I should never be able to measure a heartache From the moment he told me it wasn’t love till today.
But the days close like books on my ability to say that After the end, When I deleted his number even though he said we could still be friends, I weighed the value of each event spent together and decided none are worth the rent They pay to occupy space in my memory. One an entrance clattering open like doors in a storm And then the exit orchestrated like twenty cellos playing the wrong chord. I have been jarred from my seat and shaken – It wasn’t my heart he had taken but the fluidity of my days.
Now, I like my fits and starts to blend smoothly and seamlessly Into the next occurrence, Like the edges of sheets overlapped in the laundry, One long unfolding of days without birthdays, Christenings, funerals or break ups, Or any disturbance that corrupts with the abruptness of the unexpected. I want one kiss to last until the next and To not divide life into eras. I do not want a fossil record of characters to collect and categorize. I’d fail the test that required me to memorize Where each face fits in.
If there were no endings, there would be no date on a calendar By which I can measure the length of his leaving. When the screen door slammed behind him And broke summer in half, I heard the months of the calendar laugh at my attempts to Divide the year into seasons, To supply his absence with a reason.
Today, I will mark it on my calendar for something amazing to happen, For a firework to hang stranded and suspended above my roof. I’ll tether it to a string and present it as proof That things don’t have to fade or end. Linear time is a concept philosophy can’t defend.
I have classified my existence by landmarks, Phases I label by the names of people I loved, Our meetings and partings are commemorated like holidays. But today I resolve to denounce anything that Detracts from the sanctity of now. Forever trails behind this second Like a parent straitening a bicycle, It grips the seat and promises to “not let go.” I pedal the minute forward and keep eternity in tow.
I’m turning a new corner Where anniversaries don’t exist. There is only what is and always was. Thus, if I love you now you may assume that I always have and always will. I will swallow eternity like a pill and Insure that if I loved you before, then I do, still. I refuse the exorbitant cost of an ending, To watch something that soared descending.
Without a then or a now, I already know all of the people I will ever meet. Shaking hands will become a mere formality and I shall refuse to accept absolutes as acceptable rationality.
I crumple the table of contents of life, Erase the index and chronology, And bend the time line into a revolving circle. The only death I accept is that of definitives. I close their door, And welcome the infinite.
It's amazing how long some things take. Or perhaps I'm just slow... always a possibility.
Over the course of the past couple months, I've been learning about the organizaiton Poets in the Street, as the two founders and C.E.O.'s will be moving in June to Chicago. It has taken me an hour to create a facebook "fan" page for this non-profit, and the page is simply fill in the blank. Clearly, I will need help in setting up a .org web address.
Working with the slam team I founded with two of my friends at the high school where I work has been the highlight of my year, and now working with the P.I.T.S. organization only makes it better. If only I could convince all of the administration to become fans, I would be set.
What a naughty blogger; I've let my writing endeavor fall by the wayside since July. My new goal is to spend at least an hour writing every day: either blogging or poetry. I realize it may simply be time to admit defeat on fiction writing, at least for the time being. Currently I am missing the warm weather of the south to spend four days in Philadelphia for M's grandmother's funeral. As you can see by the above photograph, there is still snow on the ground. There are certainly trade offs for living in awesome cities. But if I recall correctly from my Chicago days, it becomes bearable.
I'm trying to decide what focus I want to give my posts, if any, as this is 99% for my sole entertainment. I've recently become involved with a non-profit poetry education organization, so I intend to chronicle that and all things poetry in Central Arkansas, as well as my own poetic endeavors that have been re-awakened through my enthusiasm for poetry in education. Speaking of, I have some editing to do. (And to any nay-sayers concerning Arkansas poets: the Hendrix slam team just took first place at regional competition in Corpus Christi, TX, and the University of Arkansas team has a history of kicking everyone's ass at nationals - so I am convinced that Arkansas is a veritable breeding ground for stellar poets - Miller Williams, anyone?).
I competed in my first slam at Community Bakery last month, won second place, and now need to work double hard to keep that sort of standing in the future. Especially since it means beating Lennon again :)
