"Then as now, thirteen is a critical age for a girl. It is at this age, as feminist writer Carol Gilligan among others has explained, that girls begin to lose their original voices. They are mercilessly pressured by the world around them, the impossible models provided by society, their parents' expectations, and the landslide of feelings and opinions released by their emerging, delicious, and unconscious sexuality. Under this onslaught of expectation, many young girls are pushed away from their original childhood selves and become silent hybrids, creatures molded so much by their environment that it is hard to recognize who they really are."
- Susan Cheever, Louisa May Alcott (publishing next month)
Ever wonder who you might have become if the rules & expectations surrounding you when growing up had been different? Or even different now?
As for my mentioning not having free time because of a boy I liked... well, scratch that.
At the least, the end of a relationship does do amazing things for opening up your ears to fantastic "break-up" songs. As if The Avett Brothers weren't cool enough already. Speaking of, I get to review their new live album - just got my advance copy. Can't say the week didn't go down as a win.
"I say it's not that simple - but then again it just may be."
Also - my step-sister Amy's birthday was this week - and I got to go out on the town with too many beautiful girls to handle at any given time. I have pictorial proof.
My sisters! The birthday girl is in stripes. I am clearly checking out a hottie across the room. We went to see the Josh Abbott band. I had so much fun - wish these gatherings happened more often!
"And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate."
"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is a perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful.
Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over, Groceries. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at a dump, baby - you're just lickin at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."
#1: I might be a hipster. But only a little bit. And by sheer admittance of the fact I probably negate it entirely.
#2: I still have a special place in my heart for pop country. I know traditional country like Townes, Hayes Carll, Lucinda Williams, Mary McBride (who I just interviewed today for an article in Venus - woot!) - are way cooler with the in crowd - but I heard LeeAnn Womack come on the radio yesterday and I decided to unabashedly roll down my window and blast it while I sang along. Then I switched back to my Ludo CD to maintain my rep. Whatever rep that may be.
This scarf is another Target find. Lennon sat on my sunglasses so I had to go in and buy a new pair. This scarf matched the pair I got.
While I will no longer order PBR at bars, (I like Lone Star as my cheap beer of choice, and beer with actual flavor if I feel like dropping $3 on a pint), I will never turn one down when they are free, like at The New Pornographer's listening party at the Scoot Inn a few weeks ago. I can't talk bad about PBR, though, it was my gateway beer to brands that don't share the properties of water.
I like skeeball and find the Austin skeeball team names a source of ceaseless amusement. Or should I say skeesless amusement!? (oh, come on...)
Vegetarian I may be, but that doesn't mean that an ironic hunting lodge theme in the middle of an urban district doesn't amuse me, either. I want to pet this dude.
And no night is complete without a personal smore set from Halycon. Just don't try to take it on the balcony. They will get mad and site the fire marshal as the guy out to ruin everyone's balcony-smore-fire-fun.
I also dig a beard. I have no idea why. And although Phil has chastised me to no end for still speaking to and sometimes seeing Lennon (once this whole week!), Meyers-Brigg tells me that I don't like to let anyone or anything go, which probably explains why I'm still friends with all of my exes. And possibly why I have gotten back together with several of them at least once. Anyway. I'm certainly single, but I don't plan to stop seeing someone all together if I care about them, and the feeling is mutual.
Which brings us to things I have to admit about myself #3: I certainly don't need a new boyfriend anytime soon. But I do like Diya's advice to date a lot! I've been given quite a few good "being single" tips through the comments I've gotten, and I plan to post them soon.
I am finally all in my new apartment, with internet all set to go. Only problem is I immediately set my priorities to unpacking my closet, so I'm yet to touch my desk, and my kitchen! I have set up a make shift desk on the coffee table, and hope to have a real writing, reading, blogging space set up by close of business today or tomorrow. If only work didn't get in the way...
When Lennon and I were still dating, all of two weeks ago, we visited his parents in Grand Prairie and made a stop at the historic Uptown Theatre to take a few pictures. I have quite a few folders of pictures Lennon has taken saved and ready to post, so I'm nervous what's going to happen to my outfit photos once those dry up. I should probably order a remote to go with my tripod.
I've been doing well on my resolve - I bought pink sheets with rosebuds on them, and have been spending time with different people almost every evening for the past... four days. I may run out of friends soon, so I hope the ones I have are ok if I start calling way more often!
To my pleasant surprise, things that I thought would bother me at first haven't: sleeping alone, coming home to just my puppy dog instead of a boyfriend, etc. I have a balcony by my bed that I leave cracked so Bella can go in and out, and the breeze coming in and the cars that go by at a steady pace are peaceful. I can see why people like having fish tanks, now. I assume this has the same calming affect.
This set of pictures is also a favorite because it reminds me of movie dates. I'm hoping I get to go on a few of those in the future. I can't remember whether or not I like dating.
Dress: Suzane Monaco via Buffalo Exchange Shoes: Frye's (clearance) Cameo necklace: grandma's (a favorite, I should probably wear something new) Bracelet: great grandma's (another favorite, especially since orange is my favorite color) Ring: costume jewelry found in an antique mall
I finished Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project today. While not my favorite, I got some great pointers on ways to improve my attitude about life without feeling the need to travel to foreign countries, spend time in really quiet monasteries, eat bugs, start going to bars every night, or any other type of "liberating" activity. The key phrase that stuck out to me was "re-framing," which simply means, get a new perspective. There is one, find it. If I don't shift my perspective to make things look less glum, I'm just being lazy.
Following her resolve to "be a better Gretchen," I think I need to start a list of resolutions to "be a single Amanda." Because really, I haven't been single since... freshman year of college? And that hardly counts, because there was a Dave, a very serious Dave, who entered the picture that spring.
So I've started my list, and here's what I have so far:
SINGLE AMANDA RESOLUTIONS
1) Be Amanda. Not who I want Amanda to be or wish Amanda was. That means admitting to the world how much I like Fall Out Boy, among other things to be revealed later.
2) Say buggar off to people who are mean in any way. RIGHT AWAY. First temper tantrum = gone.
3) Meet new people. lots of new people. swallow being shy
4) Go to a concert, a restaurant, or something similar at least once a month... BY MYSELF. Try to make a new friend. (the friend part can maybe be a goal for later - let's work on solo public appearances first)
5) Buy whatever I want at the grocery store on the condition that I only order salads, snacks and drinks at restaurants. It's healthier and cheaper to eat from the store, no matter what.
6) Girl friends (and ok, guy friends too) first. dates second. but seriously, who needs dates? I've been on "dates" regularly for like, five years, six? Isn't it time for a new song and dance? Maybe set to Fall Out Boy...
7) Bite my tongue before I react too quickly. maybe count to ten? or is that for people with high blood pressure...
8) buy girly sheets. they're mine. no more appeasing boyfriends who double as roommates with boring, blue bedding.
Any other ideas for what I should add?
Now I'd say I'm also resolved to go read some literature of greater significance in the literary canon, but I don't really feel like it, and part of "being Amanda, just as she is," means not forcing myself to do things just because I want to feel smarter, whatever. Although, I do have the biography of D.H. Lawrence by Anais Nin on my nightstand. Does that count? Those two are coming to my fantasy "any ten people living or dead" dinner party.
While I'm not bitter about my recent breakup... or, I'm as un-bitter as a person can be, I want to re-post this video for anyone who has ever gone through a breakup - hard or not. Have I mentioned before how much I LOVE Ludo? I finally listened to the Broken Bride EP all the way through, I cried. Off point. Moving on:
a few choice lyrics:
"Girl, I remember when we was sittin' on your couch
Watchin' Good Will Hunting, holdin' hands and drinkin' milkshakes
But milkshakes melt, people change, and you dumped me on my birthday...
...But I realized you were right, we were never meant to be
And you know what? Thank God
'Cause you're the most vapid, whiny blah I've ever met...
...Listen you tanning-bed-baked, broke, goat-faced, oompa-loompa monkey problem
I am proud to shop at Target, I'll wear warm-up pants any day of the week...
...You can watch Good Will Hunting by yourself - I hope your eyes fall out Why don't you go watch it by yourself?
Friday night, my friend Elizabeth and I attended the "Big Ass Twitter Happy Hour" (#BATHH) at the Kung Foo Saloon on West 6th Street. Because the universe either likes to prove me wrong, or make me happy, (sometimes both), I lamented to Elizabeth about how big Austin is, and how I can't go out and see lots of people I know like I can in Little Rock. So I get my beer, (Young's double chocolate stout - my kind of post-breakup chocolate indulgence), turn around, and woah! TWO people I know. My friend Katie, of the infamous birthday scavenger hunt, and Claire, another site director for after school programming who I indirectly work with. Sometimes being wrong is great.
Elizabeth took my outfit pictures before going out. Thank goodness for friends! I've started a list of things I will have to invest in when I move into my new apartment, (I'm 85% sure I'm moving into a new apartment on May 1st - please cross your fingers for me that the apartment I share with Lennon and Eirik now is leased to someone else before then). So far, I have this:
Crosley Turntable - recommended by one of my supervisors at the BGC, and after photographing Record Store Day for Venus, I am even more sold on wanting one. I'm thinking housewarming gift to myself!
A tripod - no more boyfriend to take my photos. Stifling a sigh.
It is thunder storming outside right now, and it was raining last night, too. I love rain.
Shoes: I have temporarily stolen these from Michelle! Shhhh don't tell! Skirt: Forever 21 T-shirt: Target Silver bangle: found in my mom's things Necklace: from a Little Rock boutique Headband: Goodie Two Shoes in Austin Umbrella: Wal-Mart
Any other rules of singledom I should be aware of and put into practice?
This weekend I took Lennon to Little Rock as he was a featured performer in the Arkansas Literary Festival's Pub or Perish event. This will probably be one of the last times I mention Lennon here, as he broke up with me today after a screaming fight that shed new light on aspects of my character I didn't know were so flawed, but he was kind enough to point out.
Dress: Forever 21 Tights: from Buffalo Exchange new merch Shoes: Target Locket: thrifted Headband: Goodie Two Shoes in Austin Ring: antique mall find
Tonight I came home to an empty house with no knowledge of where Lennon is or when or if he's coming back. I suppose we won't be sharing a residence much longer.
I haven't been truly single in a very long time. Even when I was "single" last year I was dating regularly. I already feel slightly handicapped like I don't know how to move in this new existence. As Lennon is out, probably with people, I assume he's already figured it out. I mean, I didn't even figure out the break up was official until people texted me that he'd changed his status on Facebook to "single." Oh, Facebook.
I feel like the books I've been reading are going in a psychological chronicle order. I started with Cleaving, about affairs, broken hearts, and reconstructive "surgery" (butchery?), moved on to Committed, a brief study of both the history of marriage around the world and the author's desire to make peace with the institution, with her own love story tying the disparate parts together, and now I'm onto The Happiness Project.
I just started it, but one of the first manifestos the author makes for herself, is that she is going to act the way she wants to feel. This is incredibly difficult for me - as I easily become an emotional wreck and let whatever negative energy I feel take on an almost crushing affect. But if I make myself move - cook dinner, go to a concert, get out of bed - I usually find myself feeling in accordance with my actions.
So - rule of the day - act how I want to feel! And yesterday morning I was in a great mood. It was sunny, warm, and breezy.
Denim trousers: J. Crew Plaid shirt: Gap Black tank: Wal-Mart Pink t-shirt: Gap Blue wedge shoes: Target Necklace: Accessory City Ring: Charlotte Russe
The relationship issues of recent weeks, (months?) have been coming to a head in excessive amounts of anxiety, both mentally and physically manifested. I'm trying to relax and take things in stride.
Last night I met up with Lennon, Eirik, and a couple other friends after work at the Austin Poetry Slam, and then had a late dinner at Magnolia's, all things and people I love.
There's a show at Emo's tonight that I want to see, and I haven't bought tickets in advance so I hope I make it there in time. I'm determined to have a beautiful Easter weekend! And read a lot. Preferably outdoors.
What is one (or more) of your rules of being positive? I'd love to compile a list.
Lennon and I have been going through some couple-strife lately, and one of the things we are trying to do as a remedy is remember things we did for fun when we were happier with each other.
One of the difficulties in trying to find time to be together is that we are both big on hobbies. We really don't need anyone else to entertain us during the day, and sometimes we forget to do things together.
I like to work around this by setting aside time in advance as "together" time, whether or not there is a decision on what to do with that time. Lennon prefers that time come around organically, like, "oh hey! Let's play chess." The compromise is when someone wakes up in the morning and says "let's play chess tonight." Planned time, with an activity we both enjoy.
I think I can safely say that neither of us is in the mood to break up, but to quote classic phrases, "something's gotta give." I'm trying to plan (there's that word he hates) a fun Saturday for us to spend together. Thus far, I have plotted out a morning visit to the farmer's market at the Triangle, swimming at Barton Springs, biking to a coffee shop to read and make fun of each other, and/or a rugby game, then in the evening we are invited to a house warming party in east Austin. Friday I hope we can go to lunch with some friends and visit the Cathedral of Junk since it's in a bit of legal trouble with an uncertain fate, and I haven't seen it yet, (and there is no school - woot).
Any suggestions for inexpensive things a sometimes-happy couple can do together? We argue over the silliest things now. We are going to have to resolve not to let our building frustrations with each other impact our day.
In Little Rock, Lennon and I were the connoisseurs of dive bars and 5 a.m. gay dance clubs. Maybe we need to revisit some old habits? We've hardly even explored Austin yet, as moving here was so expensive.
Until life stops being expensive, I'm content to play chess at home with smoosh face.
