It's terrible to sit down, look at a blank screen, and think, "my mind doesn't work the way it used to. It doesn't see things anymore." I've been slowly rereading my old old Live Journal to help me fall back into the routine of really writing things down like I used to. The problem with this? The invocation of self-indulgent memories, the conflict of wanting to have a mindset I used to have without being who I used to be. Is that possible? Why does it feel like everything now is about arriving at meetings on time and having enough money to pay the electric bill on time? Why is there a giant pile of receipts beside me? Why am I so stuck that it necessitates looking backward at my writing scribbles rather than trying to progress forward?
I think I've had enough for tonight. I may need to break something to validate this moment, sort of like a Jewish cup smashing? Maybe?
I found this quote in an entry, I don't even know what this song used to mean to me.
I think the bottom line here, the unspoken thing, that this silly Live Journal, that all of my silly diaries validate, is that I used to be sad. Sad like a lot of teenagers are sad, but also really sad. I worry that's offensive to some people. It shouldn't be. And I don't ever want to go back to that place again. It simply bothers me that my eyes seem to see less now than they did then. I'm not sure when I closed them, if I even did, or why every muscle in my body always feels tight as though I am, actually, squeezing myself shut. What would happen if I weren't?
Time to stop for the night, as I'm not even sure what story I'm looking for, and I'd like to end it on this:
Friday, September 5th, 2003
10:35 am - she was losing her mind LONG before the meds began...
I love my mom //
HomeInTheHills: I'd prefer you not walk alone after dark - don't forget, the nuts are everywhere!
summer long ago: even in our own family
HomeInTheHills: I prefer to think of us as "interesting" and " amusing"
summer long ago:aha...they go hand in hand
HomeInTheHills: your puppies would say hello, but they are all snoring
summer long ago: thats puppyspeak for hello
HomeInTheHills: well, then, a great BIG hello from the 3 stooges